Sesshoumaru and Miroku
by PsychoSybil
Summary: Sesshoumaru and Miroku: Prelude. Rated 'JDRW' for Just Down Right Wrong and 'H' for Horror because I horrified that I could make it funnier. Review. Woof!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: I'm sorry but I have to finish where Kenkaya left off. I read the reviews and some of you want to see Sesshy do Miroku and/or Shippo. I thought Miroku would be easier seeing as how he's a freaking pervert. So here it is! Even the Queer Eye guys would be shocked (?). And to think some of you wanted Shippou do Sessh, that is soooooooo disgusting!

Okay I wrote this back in March 04 and I don't find this funny. Its July and I'm putting this up now. I need SUGGESTIONS to make it funny!   
  
**Sesshoumaru and Miroku: Prelude**  
  
It was a bright and beautiful sunny day in the Sengoku Jidai. There was a light breeze this day and the sky was a particularly vibrant blue. Several bright, puffy clouds dotted the skyline and passed lazily across it adding to the charm of this particular day. All sorts of birds chirped, wildlife scurried about doing their everyday wildlife things, flowers and trees were in bloom and the sounds of streams babbling along their respective courses could be heard in the distance. Youkai and Humans alike were actually getting along with each other. Heck, Kikyo and Kagome were actually sharing sex tips with each other in addition to discussing Inu's downfalls in bed! Damn, even InuYasha was being nice to Shippo for once by corrupting the little Kitsune on Jeagermesiter and the Spice Channel. Sango, who was craving to have her ass molested/pounded, was wondering where Miroku had gotten to....  
  
Yes, it was a peaceful spring day in InuYasha's forest, alright! Everything just seemed to be in some sort of sweet yet totally ironic and down-right wrong, whacked-out harmony with each other. Kinda like Jaken's overwhelming sexual fantasy of showing his Great Youkai Lord what the Staff of Heads was really meant for. Or even more -- some played out drama with Father Fisty having his way with a couple of alter boys up in Boston, MA and not getting caught by Clancy the Cop from Southie (A/N: Now ya know where I'm from). Or even, even more -- OJ finding the 'real killers'. Or what's even more -- Mulder learning that he's been chasing himself because he's really the alien in the X-Files. Hey, what's even, even more—Paris Hilton being a virgin. (That was a double in that flick she made with her boyfriend). And to further illustrate the wrongness, Bambi meets Godzilla (A/N: Great 30 sec flick! Ya gotta see it.)  
  
Shit! Things were just so damn paradoxically good that Naraku discarded his usual dank attire and was prancing throughout his now bright and airy castle in nothing but a thong (A/N: EEESH!), a tu-tu, thigh-highs and pair of ballet slippers humming the theme to Oklahoma. To further illustrate this scene, he tied his hair messily back with a chartreuse ribbon, was wearing purple lipstick upon his puss, green eye-shadow and overly-red rouge upon his cheeks and to boot was holding Martha Stewart's magazine dearly to his bare breast as he sashayed thru his big- ass home. On the flip side, Kanna and Kagura stood in wide-eyed, opened-mouthed and fascinated horror at the sight. Naraku ignored his stunned childrens' stares and took a running leap on account of being so dang giddy and pirouetted in the air a few times before landing and asked in a high-pitched whiney voice, pointing to a picture from the magazine, "What do you think of Waverly curtains, chenille sofas and silk-tasseled pillows?" As if on queue, his question was met with a resounding "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" from both stupefied demons as they screamed in unison running away from their Fruitier-than-a- Fruitcake Master, hands flailing over their heads, and like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, promptly packed their things and left, only leaving a brief note describing their grievances. Kohaku, who had been watching the scene from afar, was the only one left and wondered to himself, "What's the big deal? I used to do that behind Sango's back when I was human!"  
  
Later in the day, Kanna and Kagura showed up on Kaede's doorstep asking to be admitted to InuYasha's group...  
  
Yep, things were pretty well fucked up.  
  
To further illustrate this point, two figures, who should have had absolutely nothing to do with each other, were sharing an intimate moment (A/N: Well, it was like one more than the other because the other one was just kinda there and the one doing the act was doing all the work and the other one was just kinda still there and .....whatever!) and committing sacrilege under the God-Tree (of all places).  
  
Ok, enuff with this dumb prelude. Onto part one. I'm only hoping its just part one and not more. But, I think it will be 3 parts.


	2. Sesshoumaru and Miroku, Part Uno

A/N: Okay. Part uno. I find this highly offensive because I still don't find it funny! Even after several revisions! I haven't even finished parts 2 or 3 yet cuz I got some major writer's block going on! I need SUGGESTIONS. Please review ppl!

Yeah, I don't own InuYasha.   
  
**Sesshoumaru and Miroku: The Mourning (?!) After or the Morning After I**  
  
6am, Sunday Morning. Saturday was a wild nite.  
  
A stoned, drunken and smelly Miroku was wide-awake as he could be despite the humungo-fucko headache he felt pounding inside his head like some Mariachi Band still going at it with the incessant Latino Musica at some South Miami Beach, FL back alley bar at 2:30 in the morning (Arriba! Cerveza! Putanas! Si!). He was sitting on a warm, woolen blanket ('Itchy.') with his back positioned upright against the God-Tree smoking a Big Fattie with one hand and clutching a bottle of Jack in the other. (Another blanket was draped across his lap...A/N: Explained later.) He was wearing his Buddhist robes loosely around his muscular yet virile body for warmth seeing as it was still cool outside. The slovenly monk was feeling pretty good and pretty numb at the same time although he was feeling some sort of pain emanating from his chestral region. (A/N: Can ya see where I'm going here?) Via bottle of JD, Miroku gave himself an unsuccessful chest examination in order to pinpoint the cause of his discomfort and when it registered to him that his hand mite be more fruitful, he carelessly dropped it (bottle of JD) to the ground and haphazardly watched the remaining contents pour onto to his unwitting partner. "Wha-ever!" He giggled sounding like a drunken blonde secretary at an office party as he took another puff on his drag. Seconds later, he diagnosed himself to his satisfaction, "Ah, founit!" "Partee hatzzzzzsssss!" "Yaaaaayyyyy, pardee!" "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!" "PARDEEE!!!! YAAAAAY! YAAAY!" "PARDEE!" "YAAAAAAY!!" In other words, he had stiff nipples.  
  
"Stifffffffffff nippllzzzz????" "Izn't dat a dwink?"  
  
(A/N to Miroku: Yeah, you're not hic as think as you drunk you are, hic buddy. Hey! I'm not hicperfect ya know! I can stop anytime! Yeah, that's it.....)  
  
Through sore, blood-shot, teary eyes he surveyed the implements of sexual destruction that lay scattered in various places on the blanket, which he had used upon his unwilling partner the morning, afternoon and nite before: A 3 ft Tommy Lee double- ended dildo, a device called a 'Happy Cucumber', anal beads, assorted cock-rings, a toothbrush (A/N: Yeah, Kagome wouldn't be needing this back anytime soon), talking handcuffs, Cat-o-Nine Tails, chains, a leather thong ripped in two (don't ask), a Karaoke machine with one now very distorted mic (again, don't ask), a book on Kama Sutra, sprinkles, jimmies, several empty cans of whip cream, several open jars of one the following: carmel, marshmallow or chocolate sauces as well as peanutbutter (?). There was also a boom box with assorted cds and tapes (one in particular called 'Rape Me' by Nirvana and most notably, several Kid Rock cds... Kid Rock-Pimp of the Nation), a TV/VCR combo complete with sex tapes, a car battery, latex vagina, a wig, fake boobs, various scented body oils from Spencer's, a 4 lb tub of Vaseline, duct tape in assorted colors, many cans of various beers (A/N: Yup, she's a drunken fuck!) pilfered from Kagome's knapsack and other assorted alcoholic oddities strewn about the blanket and forest floor. Oh yeah....don't forget the tissues.  
  
The base of the God-Tree looked like it been hit by a Dirty Bomb in every wrong sense of the word, kinda like Oscar the Grouch's pad after a wild nite with Elmo, Big Bird and Prairie Dawn or Bert and Ernie at a male strip club (A/N: Get away from the seX- box! Use your imagination!). Miroku took a quick finger ('man, dooo dey smell baaaaad!') count of all the items he saw and then once he thought he had everything, he took another quick finger ('mmmm, dey don't smell dat baaaaad!') count to make sure everything was there and determined there something definitely missing. His mind was so fucked up from da booze and da drugs he consumed the nite b4, he couldn't remember the missing items. So, like the drunken fucktard he was, he took another swig of JD and another toke on the old joint. Miroku exhaled and felt his mind swirling about like a massively backed up toilet, even if he had never seen one in life.Damn! He felt really good! 'I mus tank Kagomeeeeeee laterrrrrr 4 bringeeeng de puture to the fast...er...de past to de futoor or...de presents for Chrisztmasz or.... whatever Isza tryin to tink." He thought to himself.  
  
"Lasssssst nite wazzzzss de best ting dat eva happend tooooooo meeeeee." He whispered to himself with a big satisfied grin on his face. And speaking of satisfied, the blanket draped over his lap did little to hide the fact he was sporting some major Wood --The tent pole in the love circus had been propped upright again for an umpteenth time in less than 24 hrs (A/N: Again, use some imagination. He's a horny fuck). Miroku then whipped out a ruler from out of seemingly nowhere and measured himself with great delight -- "Hmmm...10 incthez. A wold wecord!" He intoxicatedly exclaimed to himself, proud of his achievement.  
  
"Who knew pounding a man... er rather... a youkai in this ass would be so fulfilling." "Especially a TaiYoukai." "Especially when I lost my virginity to ....HIM!" He whispered to himself, sounding somewhat intelligent this time around, as he took yet another long slow puff from his joint and yet another swig of his now favorite hard liquor beverage. (A/N: This is this closest he had ever gotten to royalty, even if it wasn't human or female or both.) "Wait!" He whispered to himself some more coming up with an even more brilliant (?) statement than before, "Who knew pounding a youkai in his every orifice would be even more fulfilling." "Especially a TaiYoukai's every orifice!" (A/N: Poor Sessh.)  
  
Off to the left, Miroku glanced loving at his companion sleeping peacefully at his side. The thoughts of spelunking Sango's Love Cave were gone from his mind as 'men...er rather....the male species were much, much better' (A/N: Eeesh!). All he could now associate the Youkai Exterminator with was, 'Bats'. He shook his head to rid of his mind of this nasty thought and then suddenly felt the most incredible urge to piss. Somehow found the time to quickly handcuff his sex-mate's only wrist to an exposed root with one free hand while the other held his dick from squirting man-juice everywhere. One can only think that Miroku didn't want his companion to take off or to slaughter him...The stoned monk, who was still holding himself, got up from his position and stumbled off into the forest to take of nature's calling.  
  
The only way to describe the piss Miroku took was out of the movie 'A League of Their Own', except times 10. Every time he thought he was done, more came out. Plus, it didn't help that every time he thought he was finished squeezing his lemon, he got a sexual thought of 'HIM' (A/N: Sesshoumaru, you dopes! Not Carson from the Queer Guy show!) inside that pervo mind of his that caused more to gush out. This went on for some 22 ¼ minutes before he came to the realization that he should think about Sango sexually and then that's when things went limp and then... NOTHING. 'Finally, its over.' He thought. Since there was no zipper to zip on account of him wearing no pants and the fact zippers didn't exist in the Sengoku Jidai, Miroku stumbled (A/N: Thankfully not over himself, if ya know what I mean.) back to the God-Tree with his robe wide open. Shit! There was no one around (?) so he didn't care if anyone saw him in his glory.  
  
Don't think for a moment the Man-of-Little-Cloth (A/N: He's got nothing much on, play on words.) was sober because he weren't. It took him a few mishaps with accidental falls and bumps into trees ("Ooooo! A tree with a hole! How Kinky!" "Uhhhhh....dat feels good!" "AAAAHHH!!!!! Samyoushou! Not good!" ) later to get to where he was before. By the time he got back to the God-Tree, he was seeing quintuple and feeling like the Pimp of the Sengoku Jidai. Like the true bum he had become, he danced around, over and on the items strewn about the place without falling even once. (A/N: Amazing isn't it, folks?) And, it only took him a few million times to decide which way he was gonna sit back down, which was another feat unto itself seeing as how his head rocked more than a Metallica (or Korn) concert. Although as I seen both, I don't see how that's possible. Anyhow, after toying with his legs and his robe for some time, he managed to sit his sexxxy, bare ass down. "Dang, that wool is itchy!" He proclaimed, rubbing his bare ass into it for some unknown reason. He decided to rub it in some more, just for the hell of it. Yeah, right! We all know he's really get horny as a result.  
  
The Penis Surveyor had arrived and was ready for more action. Or maybe not....


End file.
